Late night again!? Can’t decide if 3 am is a very late night when you have been up, or is it early morning because technically it is a.m. I feel a nice breeze coming from the window and close my eyes. Somehow, It feels better that way. It is calm, soothing, and joyful. With a bit of excitement. I guess, it is the waiting for, and anticipating the next wave that makes it delicious. You don’t know when the next one is going to show up, but you know, there is going to be one, or at least you hope so. May be it is the excitement in not knowing when it is going to be here, but loving it when it shows up and touches your face? The excitement in not knowing!
I just came back from dropping Mariam at the airport. I saw my other two daughters there waiting to say good bye to her. It feels weird saying “my daughters” as if I own them. Like my shoes. I not only loved them, but like them a lot too. They are very loving, caring, compassionate, and independent. They dance to their own tunes. But, then again, I do the same from time to time. I wonder if the children learn from us, or is it the other way around. Are they trying NOT to do exactly what we do?? Who is teaching whom?
Time is changed! I heard it last week for the millionth time from parents talking about “other people’s’” children’s doings! Examples after examples of how so and so got her or his degree from this and that important school and now is doing this or that job (of course, implying not important! – what is an unimportant job anyway?) I was wondering if they were just venting out wrapped in an intellectual conversation, trying to get permission from society to be OK, or it was just small talk.
The rest of us nodding: “yes, it is different these days” secretly hoping that our child is not going to be one of them and that he finishes college, gets a job, buys the house, you know, live a normal life. “Why not, life is too short,” some of started saying.
“Life is too short” is one of my favorites. When I hear that, I think: really?? Do we really mean it?
Then why does it sound as if we are chanting? Why are we saying it as if it is a decision to be made rather than the reality of what is? Why does it sound like we are trying to convince ourselves? Why are we worried then? If we really believe that we may drop dead any moment, and life is that short, would we be so afraid of loosing? Loosing the stuff that we worked so hard for: possessions, security, and control?
Why is it acceptable and “normal” to find “ourselves” in our forties or fifties (and, in my case, for the rest of my life) to the point that we have a name for it: “midlife crises?” And, yet, we don’t get it when young people want to do NOW, what we want to do LATER, after years of confusion, agony, self help seminars, books, and therapy?
Why do we want them to be a like us or a better version of us when we are not totally happy ourselves and therefore, the “better” version of us wouldn’t be that much “better” because it is designed by what we know and what is that, really? Just imagine if we all did exactly what our parents wanted us to do and their parents? We’d still be traveling by horses!! I wonder how encouraging was Columbus’ mom? Yeah, honey, go see if you can find a new continent. This new generation don’t define themselves by their “jobs” as we do. They define their life style by what they like to do and who they are and want to be which may change from one month to the other, then they get the job to support it. And, if they don’ find that job, they will create one! Maybe we should learn from them? Shall we?
To me, this is no small talk. And, let me inform you: I am guilty as charged! I wanted (or thought I did) the same for my children too. But, all my life, the only thing I hated about being a parent was telling children the TRUTH and showing them the WAY when I wasn’t sure of it myself. Every time I gave advice (and I did that a lot, mind you,) there was this tape playing in my head : “and how the … are you sure of that, missy?” We are responsible for someone else’s’ life and all we know is how much we know! And, how do we make sure it is enough or right, where the truth really lies in how much we don’t know. It is much easier to parent when you are young, because you think you know it all.
We all agree: “We just want the best for them. We want them to be happy.” Of course we do, but could it be that we like and prescribe our way, because we know it so well, therefore, it feels more secure? It may suck at times, but at least it is straight forward and we know where it ends: get a degree from a good school, get a good job with good retirement, buy a house in a good area, and then worry about not loosing the job, and the house… you know, the “stress!” and we can rest because we know this way really well. We’d look for ways to deal with stress. Diet, exercise, meditation, Yoga, you name it. Everything is now under control!
What if these kids don’t want that? What if they see us struggling to figure it out and don’t want to copy us? Even if they see us happy, may be they want to be a “different” happy? They came through us, but they are not us. Perhaps they like not knowing and welcome life’s happenings. Perhaps they like the breeze??
I need to find a breeze machine!
To you, who is still searching.
With love, Sonia
Sonia Shafazand
Life Coach & Mentor to Individuals Who Want a Better, Happier Life NOW, Not Later!
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