I was in the state of overload. Things were coming at me from all angles. So, I packed up and rushed home. Made a cup of tea, grabbed my book and went to my little backyard where I play retreat. Sat on the rocking chair and tried to breathe deep and to seperate myself from it all. I closed my eyes to feel the air on my face. I told myself “just looking and no thinking for few minutes.” I practice this from time to time. I just look at things without thinking about them: like looking though a camera, click and on to the next subject, faster than I can think. It is very hard for me since my brain is processing information with the speed of 250 miles per minute or faster (I have no idea what this means.) The unfortunate truth is that, it is processing junk! For example, I look at a pretty little flower and while I appreciate its color, texture and beauty, I am thinking: I wish it were evergreen, I wish there was a system that they’d pull as much water and food they needed so I didn’t worry about under or over watering/feeding, I wish the weeds around it would automatically turn into compost and food, I wonder what can be invented to … and on and on I go.
While practicing my just looking and no-thinking sport, I heard my neighbor saying to her son: Stop it Justin, stop it. Honey, no! — Good boy. Eureka! That is what I needed: A kind and motherly person, to tell me to stop it. To stop making up stories in my brain where each story becomes another story and expands exponentially in no time. It is like those movies which can end in many different ways, except that they don’t end unless I end the production. And, no, it is not because I have lots of times on my hands, I don’t. I have always been this way, even when I was working and going to school full time while raising my kids.
I know these are toxic thoughts. Especially, ones involving guessing what people really meant when they said something, or they should’ve done this insteas, or I should’ve …. these must be voices of people who thought me stuff when I was growing up (mom, dad, teachers, etc.) I almost always recognized that they were a waste of my time and emotions and that, I was polluting my wholly being (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, etc. – a new word is appreciated) with toxic thoughts, and I wanted to stop it sooner and find a way to do it intentionally and effectively! I also recognized that they almost had a mind of their own. They just move in and start expanding. I was determined to choose the residents of my brain thoughtfully.
I had no choice than choosing myself to be my own mother! I have adopted this new voice for a while now: Stop it Sonia, stop it now. Honey no! Good girl. And believe it or not, it works. Try it. When I am alone and catch myself with wondering thoughts (and I do catch myself plenty, thank you very much,) I say it loud. I catch myself a lot because I have made a conscious decision to intentionally participate in my life and to be present as much as I can.
If I wonder, I want it to be by design. I don’t want to waste my time and my thoughts on useless junk. When I am in a crowd and my brain starts the production, I say it quietly. And, the tone is always firm and very loving: stop it honey. Good girl.
I wonder if you ever wonder, how do you stop it?